There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am one with the molecules
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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