Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
