mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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