Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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