I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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