Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
