Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
