I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
