Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
