I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
