You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
