I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
