things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
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Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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