how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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