Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
