woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
