Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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