chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
