Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
