Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
this is an emotional support booty call
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
