Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
