My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
