Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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