Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
