The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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