Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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