Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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