I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
