alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
