Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
