My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
