it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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