mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
