God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
