my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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