You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
