he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
