dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
