i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
