Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
