she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
