Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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