Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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