I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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