I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
