Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
