So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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