No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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