She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
