How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
