so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
