he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
you never un-have a 4some
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
