This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
