he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
