I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
