I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
