my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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